New Year's Resolution:

Find better ways to drain the run off so I don't get bogged down and wilty.

Cute Garden Things

...more like Odd Garden Things. I was meandering around Point Loma Nazarene University's campus the other day and ran into this odd scene. I kinda like it, though I'd never use those materials.

It does, however, inspire the creative side of me. I haven't done much but look at my garden recently. I need to pull weeds and rip out these strange purple-flowered plants that strangle the life out of everything in their way: I call them snagglebushes. It's officially fall, so I should plant some stuff for winter, too. Maybe squash? My eggplants are almost ready to harvest and my tomatoes are still hanging in there...though everything looks a little bedraggled.

I have some little f'er of a bug that eats the crap out of all my herbs. It's really making me angry. He only strikes the day I decide I need something, so I end up walking out to the garden with my scissors and then swear like an asshole at the plants for being little pansies and allowing some cussing bug to eat massive holes in all their leaves. I'm thinking I need frogs.

Where do I get frogs in bulk for cheap?

Cuss!

Yesterday, since it was Halloween, I decided to be all cute and Martha Stewarty and make caramel apples using the apples off our tree. As I was picking I nearly grabbed the one thing capable of keeping me away from the garden forever, and it's only the size of a quarter...

This Guy:


I simultaneously gagged, hyperventilated and whined like a dog in distress as I took this picture...
1. Why doesn't it have a face? 2. Why does it have hair? 3. Or are those spikes? 4. Why is it in my tree? 5. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. 6. Cussing cuss cussity cusser.

I've Let Myself Go...

I know I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. It's been crazy since school started up again. Non-stop. I have no time to smell the roses...or water them...or any of the other plants for that matter. I'm a terrible mother... thank goodness tomatoes only like to be watered every 4-5 days and my barrel of flowers are pretty drought resistant too. In fact, they seem to be the only happy ones around here...


See? Happy flowers. Pretty flowers.


Everything else in my "Urban Garden" looks like this...

(former happy strawberries)

And this...

(former happy fern)

Or this...

(former happy thyme)

Even Winston and Woodrow look pissed off at me...

(former happy fish)

I promise to be better. To water every day like I'm supposed to. To make more creative dishes with my farm box contents (I picked up my second CSA box last week and have only sauteed the shit out of all the veggies...nothing fun or creative). And to GO TO HAPPY THIS WEEK! I need a new drink.

Garden Problem...

Someone's little asshole cat keeps barfing on my patio. How do I discourage this activity?

Garden Questions

Question #1: Who the cuss is putting mushrooms in my newest veggie box while I'm asleep at night?

Question #2: Why are the tomato leaves curling? Is that bad or just the way they're wearing them these days? 

Question #3: I want to eat this lettuce, but I love seeing how much it grows day by day. How long can I indulge in this entertainment

before A.) the lettuce is no good to eat anymore and B.) I just get sick of staring at it all day. 

Do you know the answer to any of these questions?

Wasp vs. Caterpillar

Never thought I'd be standing in my yard cheering for a wasp, but that is what I was doing less than five minutes ago when this wrestling match of the century unfolded before my eyes atop an eggplant. It was beautiful.



Wasps: 1
Caterpillars: 0

Fruit Fly Slayer

Once a summer I turn into a (self-proclaimed) "slayer." Usually it's a personal vendetta I fulfill against the fruit flies that attempt a hostile takeover of my kitchen. What this actually plays out as is me stalking around the house with lotiony hands grabbing flies out of the air and crushing them (I find the lotion makes it harder for them to sneak out between my fingers). If an outside observer were to stumble upon me in such a state, they might fear for their life... I imagine the 911 call going something like,

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Concerned Neighbor: "Yea...I heard some commotion at my neighbor's house so I came to see if everything's OK...and...and oh...my..."

Operator: "Sir what do you see?"

Concerned Neighbor: "I'm looking through the kitchen window. She is running around the house. She's...kind of hunched over and her hands... they look like claws and are covered in something white. She's smiling or...no...no...she's baring her teeth like a wild animal and frantically swiping at the air... so many swear words... good Lord I didn't know eyes could open that wide."

Operator: "Sir, you need to slowly back away from the window. No sudden movements. Someone will be there shortly."

Concerned Neighbor: "Something smells like cocoa butter..."

And while the fruit flies are well on their way to a bad end, I have bigger bug problems at the moment: Caterpillars. It's one thing to cuss with my basil, but it's a whole other issue when you start eating the petals off my cussing daisies. Just look at this mess. Poor innocent little flowers. They were so happy only two days ago...and now look at them. It looks like they were cast in a Tim Burton film.





How do I know it's a caterpillar? Two ways:

1.) I read The Very Hungry Caterpillar when I was child. I saw the f'ing holes it ate through those pages. Daisy petals don't stand a chance.

2.) I caught one of the bastards with her head buried in a newly ripened strawberry. And a couple days before that I found one going to town at the top of a basil sprig.

Now, growing up on a ranch I learned how to study and recognize tracks-- a skill I knew I'd put to noble use one day. Therefore, I know a caterpillar is the culprit in my daisy situation because I studied their bite patterns on the aforementioned basil and strawberries after I made the following public proclamation:

"Attention all hungry Caterpillars: From this day forward should you be caught within dining distance of any and all fruits, vegetables, seedlings and botanicals, an immediate and swift execution is the best you can hope for. Your cuteness affords you zero protection in this garden."

Then, I sprayed everything down with soapy water...that usually does the trick.




And if not?
The hunt. is. on.